Are you KIDding me?
I get this question all the time “when are you guys going to have kids?”
The simple answer is that we haven’t had the desire to have kids and we don’t want to have children unless we feel confident that that is a role that God has designed us for. (I recently asked my husband if there was something genetically wrong with me since I don’t have “the baby bug”.) We both feel strongly that we don’t want to have kids because ‘we’re supposed to’ or ‘that’s just what you do next’. If I ever decide to be a parent it will be because it’s something that I feel really passionate about (or God desires to intervene in which case I guess I’ll have to get on board!).
So I thought I would give you 5 practical reasons why we don’t have children:
- Diapers, snotty noses, vomit, etc
- 9 months of my body growing and contorting
- Losing the peace and quiet we now enjoy
- No running around to practices, birthday parties, etc.
- Not having to choose between my career and family
Don’t get me wrong… I love OTHER PEOPLE’S kids. I love to spoil your kids. One of my greatest joys is seeing all the kids on Sundays at Cross Point, but so far the parenting thing is not for me.
Now, tell me… why DO you have children? Give me the top 5 greatest things about being a parent?
Well, I didn’t intend to get pregnant the first time, we just were birth control novices and newly married and a bit ignorant I guess. And in 1984 in my family nobody discussed anything like this, soooooo….I had baby number 1. Once we were started I didn’t want them all spread out so we had two more children. I actually loved being pregnant, loved nursing, loved being a mommy – I wanted 4 total but Phil and my dr said absolutely not! We just had kids – I don’t know of a good reason except we always thought we would. While I’ve found the young adult years to be the most stressful, I still wouldn’t trade being a parent.
Here’s the best things:
1) This sounds selfish, but your kids think you are great, invincible, and have all the answers – at least til they are teenagers. They love very unconditionally when they are little and that is a huge God blessing.
2) There’s nothing like hugs and kisses from your children or cuddling with them.
3) God has used them to refine my character unbelievably. I never had an anger problem at all until I had children. God used my children to teach me how to love. It makes you grow up in God-like ways. I’ve learned so much from my children. It also makes you flexible.
4) It keeps you desperate for God. Parenting is terrifying. That is the truth. Being responsible for another human being that you love more than yourself is just plain scary. It keeps you on your knees.
5) It’s amazing to lead your children to Christ and to help them grow.
I think Jan summed it up quite well.
I have to say I think it’s admirable of you and your husband to wait on having kids. I think too many people feel “pressured” to have children because “everyone else has them.” Being a parent is very rewarding and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But it does require that you give up a lot of your own desires and dreams or put them on hold for awhile for the sake of your family.
There’s nothing wrong with you though : ) . I often think there’s something wrong with me because I dont “freak out” when I have to be away from my son for a few hours or even a few days for that matter. I miss him terribly, but it doesn’t consume me the point that Im not able to enjoy what Im doing.
First of all, I think it is hilarious that people ask this kind of question. The presumption being: “there is something wrong with you…why don’t you have kids?” Even after having 3 girls, I get about one person a month asking me, “so, when are you going to try for that boy?” Are you kidding? ha!
Rob and I waited a good 5 years before we had kids after we were married. If we hadn’t waitied, I think I would be a very bitter, angry person. We had so many experiences in those 5 years that there is no way we could have shared w/children. Rob and I considered ourselves “family” without kids, and now we are a family with kids.
That’s my rant. Sorry I didn’t get to answering your question. 🙂
Jenni this is a LOADED post…
5 reasons I like to be a mom:
1. momma I love you to the moon!!!(7 yr old)
2.. mom my girlfriend accepted Christ today!!
3. prayer warrior time (teenagers in the house)
4. I want to be just like you when I grow up!!
5. Your children are a true reflection of yourself, even to the shoes untied. 🙂
I forgot something….. Don’t listen to others, if you don’t want kids that is perfectly awesome, not everyone has kids!!!
…. spoil others and then enjoy a quiet night at home 🙂
I’ve often wondered the same thing. Why don’t I have the baby bug? I think God created us all to be nurturing but not necessarily to be parents. I know I’m not married, so this question is somewhat null and void for them to answer, but just wanted to let you know that i can relate. My nephews, love them. Most other people’s kids, love them. Having my own, no thanks. At least that is how I feel right now. I would however LOVE to be someone’s surrogate (their bun, my oven). I think that would be an incredible gift to give someone.
Ha! You crack me up even writing about this. I love my kids and I know you love them too BUT…you know I’ve told you many times “DON’T DO IT!!!” (much to Sus’ chagrin). I could give you 20 reasons why NOT to do it – starting with collecting a stool sample when your child has a virus. But you didn’t ask for the ‘why not’ list, so here’s my ‘why/greatest’ list:
1) Jim was getting old and his clock was ticking – LOL!
2) We had both worked, traveled and felt we were ready.
3) I got the baby bug really bad – surrounded by pregnant co-workers, remember that?
4) The first time you see your baby’s face is like God breathing new life into you.
5) FUN TIMES – Sloppy kisses and little garbled “I love you’s” and getting to act like a kid again. Can’t wait for Disney World!
And if the bug never bites you, you still have Mick! 🙂
well, you and i have both discussed this topic before and you know how i feel…. do what you choose and not what other “expect.”
everyone expects me to have another baby because God chose to bless me with “only boys”. i, on the other hand, realize that the kids God gave me are a blessing in themselves regardless of their sex! and i totally trust God’s decision to bless me with boys!
parenting is fulfilling, wonderful, intriguing, educational, and thought provoking. it is also exhausting, constant, and over the top! it isn’t for everyone and there is nothing wrong with that!
I am with Brandi on the boy side of this. I get that question about a girl all too often. We have two surprise little guys in our life…can’t imagine life without them now. But at the time, wow, I wasn’t so sure about a baby.
I think my top answer is you learn to trust God in a whole new way. I was terrified with Isaiah and I cried on the couch almost every day for the first 5 months. I learned how to grow in Christ and trust Him with the unknown.
Way to go for knowing how you feel! I think too often we do something because we ‘think we should’ and then we regret it. The balance of work and children is tiring and you have to be very clear about priorities.
I think it’s great that you are just open ended about it. If it’s in God’s plan, then you will get on board, but you aren’t stressing about it in the meantime. So many people I know just wring their hands about if and when, and then if and when about another one and so on and on it goes.
My husband and I took our time and we truly needed it to be strong enough for this role. Our reason for having kids is pretty simple and I feel very strongly about it still. We wanted to have kids to help make the world a better place. During this time when SO many things in the world seem dark and scary, and the things kids have to deal with seem so adult I admit parenting is a daunting task. I wonder how I will handle it when my girls are teenagers – yikes!! But still, if we nurture kids in loving environments and teach them to have respect for nature and all Gods creation…what an impact that will have on the world. And guess what? You don’t even really have to be a parent to do that. I see your warmth and respect for kids all the time, and I think you set a wonderful example.
now about babysitting….I’ve got some great real live BC for you!!! 🙂
I love this question Jenni. I think this same thought process occurs for those who desire to remain single and they get the same type questions. My advice (I always have some whether good or not) is that if you don’t have the bug don’t try to create it or let others force it on you. I will say, however, as the parent of two nearly grown boys (who are awesom btw, read my blog post about them) that my perspective on parenting has changed greatly and continues to change almost daily.
I’m realizing now, for example, that the negative reasons you listed, as real as they are, are not what you remember about parenting when you get to the place I am as a parent. I really don’t remember the diapers, but I do remember a baby taking a nap on my chest as I nap. I do remember teaching a boy to ride a bike or catch a baseball and the excitement on their face when they learned. I don’t remember the interuptions in my life near as much as I remember that now I wish I had a few more of those interuptions.
I agree so much with Jan’s comments to your post. Parenting has and continues to teach me great insights into God’s way of dealing with and loving me. Trying to be a parent has also greatly shaped my everyday life. Just this morning I used the illustration of my desire to guide my boys and their need for independence with one of my roles in the church. I don’t think I would understand this particular role as well without the perspective I gained as a parent.
Five things are hard for me this quickly, but to take a stab:
1. Love
2. Friendship
3. Purpose
4. Legacy
5. Wisdom
Each of these five are a kind that can’t be experienced anywhere else. Obviously all of those in some form can be found and accomplished without being a parent, but these are just things God has used parenting to shape in me. The uniqueness of these things in parenting really can’t be explained they have to be experienced. (That’s true in many areas of life of course.)
Perhaps I’ll expand on them someday, but I think you may have spurred something to appear soon on my blog. Thanks!
This is one loaded post! So far everyones been nice ! … Well IM OK with you not having them even though I will never be and AUNT! However, I like being the one you guys take care of 😉 and I know my Kid will have the best Aunt and Uncle it could ever ask for! Love you
Great stuff everyone! Thanks for chiming in!
Jenni – Thanks for this post. It actually helps me calm down a little bit in my quest to have kids. I’ve been so frustrated lately that I don’t have kids yet that I forget all of the fun and simple things we enjoy without kids.
Hi Jenni! I found your site by coming over from Pete’s…I get asked this question ALL the time…and even though I am in graduate school, we’re renovating our home, we feel led to use our extra money at this time towards giving to others instead of having kids, etc., etc., etc., I always feel like I have to defend myself for not having that maternal instinct yet.
If nothing else you’ve encouraged me-knowing that I’m not alone in my thought process!
I appreciate all the comments, and especially the fact that it’s “OK” not to have children — whether by your decision or by God. He is ultimately in control, and His will and plan for us is good! Here are five reasons to have children (assuming God brings this blessing/challenge into your lives):
1. To learn (through experience) that it’s not all about me.
2. To learn that I have to relax, pull back, and allow God to do the things only He can do.
3. To be humbled and deal with pride–I couldn’t take credit for being a “great mom” because they revealed my flaws; but at the same time, I couldn’t take blame upon myself either — because it’s His job to work in their lives and “fix” problems, not mine.
4. To experience the greatest resources, sufficiency & provision of our Lord — in the most difficult and (in contrast) most rewarding job in the world.
5. My grown children now provide daily support, blessing, encouragement and love to me in many, many ways. I continue to learn about Jesus through them.
@Judi – I can’t wait to celebrate with you the day that God grants this desire of your heart. I’ll be spoiling your children across cyberspace! 🙂
@Jonna – we need to reconnect! I remember having lunch a couple of years ago with you when you were new to Cross Point. I love how you guys are choosing to focus your time and energy in this “kid-less” season of your life.
@Juli – great perspective. I wonder sometimes if I need to have kids to really learn “it’s not all about me”? That’s the one downside of not having kids… it perpetuates my selfish nature.
I pray for all of you precious bloggers in various stations of life! For those of you who consider not having children (on purpose), one thing you can do to avoid the “diapers, snotty noses and vomit” [and other items of discomfort] is sponsor a child through Compassion International! As we write letters to the children and receive answers from them, they often call us “Mom and Dad.” You can be the one that supports their education, meals, immunizations and health care — and at the same time place them in a church/project partnership that guarantees they will hear the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have many friends that were not able to have children and have sponsored several children and carry their photos around with them all the time. They truly do become “family” to you — and if you do have children of your own, it only helps to open their eyes to the needs and struggles of the world around us, and makes them less selfish and greedy. They’re often excited to write to a brother or sister that they do not have in the U.S. It’s a win-win situaton in every way! As it turns out, we truly need the poor as much as they need us! See my blog for more information and links!
The Top-Five Reasons to Have Children
1) So you’ll have someone to come visit you in the nursing home.
2) They are way cuter than puppies.
3) Puppies can’t come and visit you in the nursing home.
4) You can’t lay guilt-trips on puppies.
5) Imagine how stinky the USA would have done in the Olympics if Mrs. Phelps chose to have a puppy.
(*A little somtehing extra–it’s not about you, it’s not about the child; it’s all about Jesus!)
I don’t have five reasons to have kids, because we are just starting this journey. Jad and I just felt that we were ready to share our love with a child. We were married for 5 years before we were ready. We felt the need for a very strong foundation, and from everything I hear we will need it. I think it is a personal choice for you and Merilyn. I have a good friend who has chosen to not have children. They travel A LOT and are very content with it being the two of them. Knowing both of you, if God does place it on your hearts to be parents, you will make great parents! Until then, all of us with kids will gladly let you love on ours.
Oh, one really cool thing is feeling them move and kick as they continue to grow. As you know, I struggle with the getting “big” part, but I just tell myself that it is all for Jonah. Alrealdy not all about me, wow what a change.
Jad and I love you guys with or without kids and don’t let anyone make you feel like something is wrong because you don’t have the “bug”.
I’m with you on #1 for sure! I don’t think I’ll want kids (I’m 25 now, so that MAY change), but I’ve been told to NEVER say never! I don’t think I’d have the patience to have kids, and puppies are WAY cuter, plus no one will call protective services if you leave them at home alone!
I loved this post! I wanted children badly, and so did my Husband. So we didn’t wait to long after marriage, but that being said, I didn’t get married until I was 30. I had to think long and hard about my Top 5, and it was hard. I had too many!!!!
1. Little arms give the best hugs!
2. Everything is new and exciting through little eyes!
3. Belly laughs happen all the time and are contagious!
4. You have proof of God’s miracles, every day!
5. Somedays your heart breaks, and others you think it will swell right out of your body with joy, pride, love.
Wow, I’m crying, just thinking about my amazing blessings and being grateful for what I have. And I totally agree that not everyone has to be a parent, just because, no questions asked, no judgements.
IMHO, the only reason not to have kids is the one you originally laid out: “we haven’t had the desire to have kids.” The 5 reasons you listed would all matter very very little if you actually wanted a baby and had one. On the surface, I would have listed those 5 and more. However, in the end, none of that mattered when the babies were born.
Paul
p.s. As for the “God” issue, I wouldn’t worry too much about that. It’s you and your husbands choice.
I should clarify … I was never too worried about #2 🙂
BTW, if you ever decide to have kids, maybe the choosing between career and family should be your husbands choice not yours.
Compassion Dave — lol — while I was pregnant the first time, I dreamed I gave birth to a litter of puppies! Hmmm…
1. Soft faces to caress.
2. Being told, “You wook bootiful, Mommy.”
3. Hard core belly laughs.
4. Listening to my children talk theology…hilarious.
5. Watching my hubby care for his sons.
Good times 🙂
@Julie – love the Compassion plug!!
@roopster – I’m going to pretend I either misunderstood this or you didn’t say it: “maybe the choosing between career and family should be your husbands choice not yours”. You’ll get me riled up on that one 🙂
So many good top 5’s from you guys! Thanks for sharing the true joys of parenthood!
You know I had to comment on this one. I have three very stong reasons.
1). Jennifer
2). Jessica
3). Donna
Their is no better joy in my life than those three reasons. But, you know I respect and support your position on this.
Love You,
Dad
“The simple answer is that we haven’t had the desire to have kids and we don’t want to have children unless we feel confident that that is a role that God has designed us for.”
HA! I remember someone else who said that shortly after they got married. Oh yeah, it was me. Then three months after we got married (and several months after the pill) our daughter Sasha was concieved.
So to some up, you don’t plan children. They just happen- despite the best planning and birth control methods. 😉 Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have it any other way because there is nothing I enjoy more in this life than the company and smiles of my daughter. We just never planned for her.
Father Knows Best
(That’s a really old TV show BTW, that I wouldn’t expect most readers of this post to know.)
Jenni,
You and I are opposites. You only love other people’s kids and I only love my kids
BA
@Dad – I knew you would chime in on this one. 🙂 But I’m glad you’re back commenting.
I only have one daughter and I get the “when are you gonna have another” question all the time. One person even told me that my child would be weird if I didn’t give her a sibling. My response- “She’s already a weirdo.” Anyway- if God decides it’s time, you will know it in your heart and embrace it full heartedly. I was just like you before I had my own, now I can’t imagine life without her.
I like kids too, but I prefer them when I get to play “Cool Auntie Renee” – because then I get to spoil them and give them back! 😀
Jenni,
So, pray tell, what would your “riled up” response look like? Just curious.
Paul
I hear you sister. I am with you and I LOVE everyone else’s kids, but isn’t it so nice to be able to give them back to their rightful owners and restore order to your universe?
Well to answer the question, “Why do I have kids” – The simple answer is, my plan was not God’s plan. I told everyone that God and I were tight and I was not going to have children for at least 5 years…yeah that was my 5 year plan…God’s was for me to have 2 in 5 years! 😆 Yeah God’s got a funny and crazy sense of humor!
Why do I love being a parent? There are really so many answers to this I would take up this whole comment section as I know these other parents could as well. There are no words to explain being a parent. The innocent conversations that come out of their mouths, their pure joyful smiles that they give just because you are their parent, drool all down your face and neck because they are attacking you with hugs and kisses, hugs and kisses, watching them learn to pray…and then watching them pray on their own and speak from their heart to Jesus, watching them sleep and seeing how perfect God made us all and to see little men and ladies in their children bodies, watching them run to me as I leave for work holding on to me not wanting me to go and then meeting me at the door when I get home from work. Watching them when they cannot talk (like Tristan) sit on the floor with a book and just pat the ground over and over (giving me the sign language for sit down and read to me)…hearing Tristan run into my room in the morning trying to tell me breakfast is ready and when I pretend I am asleep listening to him laugh as he tries to pry my eyes open…having a better understanding of how God loves me and how he would do anything for me because of that unconditional love…it truly is unexplainable, and I thought I knew God’s love until I became a father of my own…I could go on all night, but will stop here 🙂
If God desires for you to have children he will do so in his timing and you will not regret it, and if he does not intend for you to have children, you still will not regret it, which I think you have made clear!
WOW…. so now I feel pretty guilty…since I’m one of “THOSE” people….and I JUST got on to Merlyn about this very subject… (SORRY!!!)
I just KNOW you two would make GREAT parents…. but I’m w/you….leave that up to God…..
Reason why I had A kid… Can you say “accident”.. hahhahahaha… but now a HUGE blessing….
The greatest thing(s) about being a parent?
You get to boss them around
They LOVE you (all the years BEFORE the teen years kick in)
They become miniature YOUS
You hope they’ll become famous one day and take care of you
LOVE being called “MOM” (or “DAD”)
I LOVE my kids… but can I just say how inappropriate that question is. I know people mean well… but I don’t think it’s anyone’s business “when” or “if” we want kids.
We was asked that for years (still am) and we were diagnosed as an infertile couple. So, everytime someone asked us “when” or “if”, it was another slap in the face.
You go on loving other people’s kids – and DO exactly what you feel God is calling you and your family to do.
~the other Jenni~
For me having a child is the BEST thing the I have ever done!
I have only been a parent for 18 months and could list over a 100 things of way but will only do 5 for ya:
1. I can look in your eyes and know everything is going to be ok
2.she gives the BEST (wet) kisses!! THE BEST!!!!!!!!!!
3.NOBODY can say momma like her!!
4.She give the BEST hugs!!
5. She is SOOOO cute when she first wakes up!
6. I have to say one more — it is too cute when she sings the “Wheels on the Bus”
7.ok one more — She love me no matter WHAT!!!! BED HEAD AND ALL!!
She has made me love people more and see the world as a better place I think that is what kids do!!
GREAT POST!
P.S.—-YOUR HUSBAND ROCKED ON SUNDAY!!!
Jenni,
You got everyone’s attention on this subject. I can’t believe how many comments you received.
Now that I have found spell check maybe I will chime in on more issues. I realy enjoy reading what you wright and comments from others.
Have a good day,
Love Dad
sometimes i ask myself that question too…why DO i have children???
i kid.
i always wanted to be a mom. it was my desire since i was a little kid being raised in an abusive and unloving home. i told myself nearly everyday i would be a loving mommy. it was my goal, even from a child, to break the cycle.
jenni…there is no guide or rule book that says you ever have to have kids. i know you know that. but i just cant stand the pressure people can put on couples to have children. but if you love them so much and you want a trial run with an 11 year old smelly boy…give me a call! kthx!
this post just goes to show how truly intelligent you really are. only you (God and Merlyn) know what is best for your family. intelligent because you don’t let “those” people dictate the path of your life. in my opinion, you really HAVE to be ready for anything that comes with having children. you don’t have to know everything, but you do have to be prepared to face all of the challenges head on. i love having ella. it has been hard at times, but i feel like i was/am ready for that responsibility. for the last year though there have been issues that i really never thought about, like how great it would be to take a shower without worrying if she will wake up… or remembering to take diapers with you everywhere… ha (too many stories to go with that one)… ok i’m rambling now. you are only missing out on something if that is where you are supposed to be in life… for me, i am supposed to be here… for you, well like you said, that is for God to decide.
I found your blog through another one I was previously reading and I love this post! I admire your decision…having kids is not something to take lightly and I think SO many people have them because they don’t know what to do next in their marriage. My husband and I definitely want kids, but I felt such pressure to have them shortly after we got married. We’ve only been married 2 years and I’m only 23…yet when there are people all around you asking you ALL the time about why you haven’t them yet and when you are going to, it can make you wonder why you haven’t! It’s so important to let God be your guide as to if/when you have kids! =)
I have a lot of friends that are in their thirties and are waiting to have kids. Many of them say they want to enjoy themselves right now. I understand. Karen and I never got to experience the newly wed quiet time with girls/guys night out. The way I have justified it in my mind is: Will I have more bills now or when I am in my fifties? I will be 50 when my youngest SHOULD graduate from college. Therefore, Karen and I can travel, have quiet time and even have girls/guys night out without the stress of a house note, bills, education etc…Plus, who takes a break before work or an accomplishment. It’s like taking a break before the Olympics instead of after you win the medal. This is only an opinion. If I didn’t have kids yet, I would probably find a way to justify it in my human mind instead of just trusting GOD.
Wow, Jenni…talk about laying it out there! I’m proud of you!
We used to get that question a lot, and it usually was well-meant but still annoyed me. Unknown to most people (because really, do you advertise these things?) we were struggling with infertility. Since then I never ask outright about this issue, but rather discuss things like “So how do you envision the future God has for you guys? What does your ministry look like?” If kids are a part of it, they will usually show up in that answer.
In the end, we adopted two beautiful girls and have enjoyed every minute of it. There have been times when I’ve wondered if we would ever make it, though. Now I’m seeing the next phase of life when I can return to that peace, quiet, writing, control, creativity. Praise GOD.
I felt TOTALLY THE SAME WAY as you. I loved other people’s kiddos and knew that someday I MIGHT want one of my own, but never had the desire….for the exact same reasons as you. People would ask me all the time.
The baby bug hit me like a TON of bricks. It was like night and day. Then it took us over a year to become pregnant……I think that God wanted me to get my life back on track before he gave me the gift of children. Now, here I am with only 40 more days to go in my first pregnancy! People are already asking when we are going to try for another! I guess the questions never end.
I definitely do not agree with other people pressuring a couple to have children. By the same token, I don’t feel like I have to prove or defend *why* I have children, either…
Here is what I have observed from my friends and acquaintances: I have never heard anyone say, “I wish we didn’t have that baby” or “We shouldn’t have had that last baby”–but I DO hear, “I wish we’d had a baby” or “I wish we’d had one more baby”…
(I am only stating what I’ve learned, not trying to “convince” anyone of anything).
Parenting really is one of those experiences that you have to actually participate in to fully understand the benefits–no parent can explain it well enough in a persuasive argument…
🙂
Blessings!
I technically do have a kid now so I'll chime in. We weren't planning on it but we weren't not planning on it. We were married later and had been married for 4 years before I had Avalyn. One thing that has been hard for us as a couple has been developing couple friendships with people close to our age since we didn't have kids and are later to start now. We'll probably always be in that boat because now it's that we're starting our family when most younger couples are starting theirs. It's not why we had her, but it is a lonely place sometimes, even though we love spending time just with each other.
Avalyn very well might be an only child judging by the first 2 months. I daily think this will be the day that I will permanently lose my mind. Here's what I love so far.
1. Seeing a new aspect of my husband in a role he absolutely adores. He really does love fatherhood right now.
2. I believe there will be a chipping away for my character's sake from a "forced" reduction of self.
3. Having such a little thing so helpless and dependent upon us actually display trust and love back to us is amazing. It is the most constant reminder I've ever had about how I am like her (and need to be that dependent) upon my Dad, my God. I must deepen my dependence upon Him to even care for her because I am so unbelievably helpless, but it also reminds me of how I'm a child to my Father.
I don't feel qualified to give you a full 5 yet 🙂 On the days that I can't even get a shower because she's so much work, having her look up at me and give a big smile recognizing mommy's here, gets me through the day.